Health · Mental Health · 5 hrs ago
A Weekly, Structured Conversation May Help Couples Raise Concerns
A couples therapist recommends that partners set aside one hour each week to talk about their relationship.
The approach is called “caring and sharing” and is attributed to relationship expert Warren Farrell.
It begins with two specific appreciations, followed by one clearly stated concern and two more appreciations.
The concern should focus on one issue and the feelings connected to it, rather than bringing in other grievances.
The listening partner gives full attention, reflects back what they heard and asks whether they missed or distorted anything.
The partners switch roles only after the person who raised the concern feels understood.
The therapist says a regular time can help prevent concerns from being raised in tense moments and turning into fights.
A therapist recommends that couples schedule one hour each week to discuss what is and is not working in their relationship.
The approach is intended to give partners a predictable time to raise concerns instead of bringing them up at a tense moment.
Relationship expert Dr. Warren Farrell calls the method “caring and sharing.”
The format pairs two specific appreciations with one clearly stated concern, followed by two more appreciations.
During the discussion, the listener reflects back what they heard and checks whether anything was distorted or missed.
- Who
- Couples, using a method described by a therapist and relationship expert Dr. Warren Farrell.
- What
- A structured weekly conversation for sharing appreciations and concerns.
- When
- One hour each week, scheduled in advance.
- Where
- Not stated
- Why
- To help partners raise concerns in a predictable setting and reduce the chance of defensiveness or arguments.
This story does not have two clearly opposing sides.
What I've found over 17 years as a therapist is more akin to the opposite: couples who wait for the "right moment" to raise a concern often find the worst moment to vent a grievance or make a suggestion—maybe when their partner is exhausted and already irritated, which all but guarantees defensiveness.
A dedicated weekly ritual removes this completely, and it happens to be the exact practice that relationship expert Dr. Warren Farrell spells out in his workshop and book “Role Mate to Soul Mate”.
Many couples come into my office essentially unable to raise concerns without it quickly descending into a fight.
This story does not have a timeline yet.
- Frequency
- One hour each week
- Format
- Two appreciations, one concern, then two more appreciations
- Expert
- Dr. Warren Farrell
- Book
- Role Mate to Soul Mate
- Listening check
- Did I distort anything? Did I miss anything?
Sources
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